Friends

Since before Franklin was out of school for the summer, I started to worry about him and his social interactions once he was out on vacation.  We always struggle because Franklin  always seeks out adults to play with him instead of other chi
Before I get into this post, let me first give you a little background information.  Franklin is a very social little guy, he loves talking to people and he wants constant attention. We always struggle because Franklin  always seeks out adults to play with him instead of other children, and when he does seek out other children, it usually doesn't turn out the way we hope it would.  He wants someone who will do EXACTLY what he wants to do in the exact way he wants it done.  This can get very tiring for the person playing with him.  Franklin also moves very quickly and wants to move from one activity to the next very quickly, which can also be exhausting trying to keep up with his constant movement and constant change of activities.  Franklin can also get aggressive if he feels like the person is not doing what he wants him or her to do.  We struggle with Franklin understanding social cues when playing with others.
In the past, we have tried to set up playdates or go to the park so he can play with other kids his age but after one or two playdates,  parents would politely decline further playdates or they would flat out tell me that their children could no longer play with Franklin.  In a way I don't blame them, it's hard to explain Autism to other children, it's a hard thing for adults to understand.  And I can understand parents being hesitant about letting their children play with a child who can be aggressive.  It still breaks my heart though.  I know how badly Franklin wants friends, and I know he gets lonely.  For Franklin, that social interaction is SO important, because it provides opportunities for him to learn the appropriate social cues and forge meaningful friendships.  It really hurts when other kids do not want to play with him, and it hurts even more when their parents won't let them play.  I feel like I constantly have to apologize for Franklin to other parents, explain that he has Autism, and yet, while some people are understanding, other people are downright rude.  Franklin LOVES to play at the park, he would live outside if he could.  Taking him to the park though, is highly stressful for me because every time we go, Franklin gets aggressive with other children.  It's not an aggression to be mean, it's because he desperately wants to play with the kids, but he doesn't understand "cooperative" play.  He wants the other kids to do EXACTLY what he wants them to do, how he wants them to do it, and when he wants them to do it.    In addition, if  a child does not play with him, he pulls on that child and says, "play with me! play with me!"  About a week ago, he sat on top of a child who was younger than him and the mother flipped out on me.  Again, I don't blame her, but even after I explained she still strongly suggested to me that I just keep my child at home and not bring him to the park.
Playing with other children requires a lot of practice for Franklin.  Practice with asking someone to play, practice with suggesting activities, practice with turn taking, practice with everything that is automatically engrained in normally developing children.  It is tiring but when your child FINALLY gets it, it's a huge victory.  I will never forget, about a year ago, we had been practicing saying, "Hi my name is Franklin, will you play with me?"  We practiced this OVER AND OVER AND OVER again and finally we were at an event with several children and Franklin went over to a little boy and said, "Hi my name is Franklin, will you play with me?"  I was heartbroken when the boy declined.  Franklin tried again later, and the boy declined.  Over and over again, the boy declined.  It absolutely broke my heart, and it was a HUGE setback because he was trying so hard and it was not working for him.  I talked to the parent,  and explained that this was a huge breakthrough and could he please do something to encourage his son to at least play for a little while?  He refused.  Since then, we've been really struggling with teaching him that sometimes, even when he asks nicely, the child might still decline, that we cannot force it.  We have struggled so much with playing with normally developing children that we were so grateful when we found our Autism support club.  There are several boys in the club who are Franklin's age and high functioning.  In the last several weeks we have started setting up playdates with the other Autistic boys and it has been wonderful because the boys are learning together!   I still find myself, though, apologizing for Franklin's behavior, I think it's just what I have done for so long and I feel terrible when he hurts another child.  The difference has been that the other parents are in the exact same boat, and we are all more understanding of our children.  We all understand the great importance of our kids having social interactions and learning.  It is also important for us, as parents, to feel like we are accepted by other parents, to have a group that understands.
I do wish that Franklin could play with non Autistic children, that he would be accepted by them and by their parents.  We have decided that sticking with "our own kind" as I call it is way less stressful.  The rejection is hard on all of us and belonging to a group that truly understands has been the best therapy we can ask for.  We're always going to have to deal with social issues with other kids and their parents, and I hope things will get easier in the future.  For now, though, we are very happy we found our fellow Autism families, and am glad that we have chosen to stick together with them.